


Lightning Never Strikes the Same Place Twice

by drelfina



Series: Konoha is the Clownfish AU of the shinobi world [7]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Clownfish AU, F/F, F/M, It's clownfish au, M/M, Minato is so lucky he's pretty, Minato is the stupidest clever pretty boy in Konoha, Oiroke no Jutsu | Sexy no Jutsu, Other, all the pairings are OTHER at this point, clownfish jutsu, he just likes to jutsu, he's gonna jumpstart a whole new society just you wait, i really should just call it the clownfish jutsu
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-20
Updated: 2019-08-20
Packaged: 2020-09-19 01:51:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,258
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20323135
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drelfina/pseuds/drelfina
Summary: Minato has a new jutsu he wants to show Kushina.It's really cool isn't it, Kushina-san?!Minato invents the Sexy No Jutsu.Minato happened to Clownfish AU.





	Lightning Never Strikes the Same Place Twice

**Author's Note:**

  * For [rikacain](https://archiveofourown.org/users/rikacain/gifts).

> This fic was already halfway in the works when @the17thmuse said something really interesting in the notes 
> 
> [here](https://archiveofourown.org/comments/245702434) and then i had to include it so, thank you! 
> 
> Rika, this is your fault. Again.

"You definitely want to show me something," Kushina said. 

She knew this because Minato was all but wriggling in the bed; which shouldn't be possible, he should have been completely worn out from their activities just now. 

There were few who could keep up with her own stamina; with Sakumo out of the Village on a mission, Minato might have more energy to last longer, but he _still_ should be out of the count. 

Unless he'd gotten ahold of some new jutsu - usually something he'd found in the Nidaime's archives, which would have kept his brain up and running like a squirrel on drugs. When that happened, short of punching Minato out, he'd be awake for _hours_, rambling incoherently to whoever was still around about chakra theory and nature releases and seals. 

Kushina liked seals as much as the next Uzumaki, but seriously, even Kurama wanted to gnaw Minato's head off when that approached the seven hour mark. 

But he was blinking at her and biting his lip - it shouldn't look as cute as it did, and she wanted to lean over and bite him till his voice broke from screaming - and _not_ rambling about chakra wire and exploding tags so that meant that he had some jutsu break-through and was _dying_ to show her. 

"Yes," Minato said. "Can I…?" 

"I'm not stopping you." 

It'd get him to stop squirming anyway, which was triggering her need to twitch her tail and she _didn't have a tail_, but she definitely _would_ pounce and then he'd be walking funny all day tomorrow which always had her hauled into Sandaime's office for a catching-up tea-session all about how _diplomacy depends so much on appearances, Kushina-chan, you know how the wrong gesture can impact how negotiations can go, seeing how delicate our relationships with Iwa is right now…_

Argh, she hated those sessions. As if she was the only reason Minato walked funny. But it wasn't like Sandaime raked Sakumo across the carpet for it. _Hatake Sakumo_ was a full-blooded Konoha nin whose family had been in Konoha since the Founding after all. 

"Alright, just - just look-" Minato said, and his fingers twitched, but they didn't form a seal - and instead she could sense his chakra _shift_, then _pop_, and then suddenly he was a she, sitting in the bed looking pleased as an Uchiha who'd gotten the cream of the crop missions. 

(MIkoto looked _just_ like that sometimes, particularly when she got a mission tailored _specifically_ for herself, and it always made Kushina's spine itch all the way up to her neck, made her want to growl and pin her against the wall.) 

"How," Kushina said, staring. The chakra signature said _female_, Minato's scent said _pretty fertile eager female_, and she was just _Itching_ to… lick. 

"It's an old jutsu," Minato said, looking so pleased with himself, and smiled up at her and his - her? - smile was exactly the same, especially when Minato sat up and spread those knees and - 

Kushina _growled_ and pounced.

* * *

"And now for the final test," Minato said. 

"How are you still upright?" Kushina demanded, squinting at Minato. The last two rounds had been her - well not being _her_, Minato'd taught her the jutsu so Kushina had been screwing Minato's brains out without having to use Kushina's toys (and boy was that an experience. No wonder Minato normally went crazy when he got his dick wet), and Kurama was the most pleased Kushina had ever felt the kyuubi be in her entire _life._

Apparently fucking the brains out of Konoha's resident cleverest blond idiot with an actual dick made Kurama pleased as punch. 

Who knew. 

"It's an after-effect from the hiraishin," Minato said, waving her hand like an apparently normal shinobi with mostly normal amounts of fucking chakra was still coherent and sitting upright after the _kyuubi_ was considering a nap. "But the final test, Kushina-san!" 

"What final test?" Kushina said, after trying not to correct Minato and her goddamn manners. 

"Tell me if I'm pregnant!" 

"... what," Kushina said. 

"Tell me if I'm pregnant. Caught. You know -" 

She took an exaggerated sniff, and shoved Kurama down. "You're not pregnant." 

"Oh," Minato said, and then took a deep breath, and set her shoulders. "I should be on my most fertile day today, based on the cycle." She looked up at Kushina with bright blue determination. "Another round, Kushina-san!"

* * *

"Yes, you're totally 'caught'," Kushina said before Minato could open her mouth again. "One more round and I'm gagging you." 

"Cool," Minato said, and then her chakra flared like a bright flash of yellow against her senses and Minato was male again. 

".... what was the point then?" Kushina said, because Kurama had been half crooning at the idea of having his own kit jammed in Konoha's most irritating pretty-boy. 

"It worked!" Minato beamed. 

"What worked," Kushina growled. 

"This time I've managed to make it such that I won't be pregnant if I choose not to be!" Minato said cheerfully and with far too much energy for someone who should be passed out a half hour ago. 

This Hiraishin thing was a _menace_. Kushina was going to figure out how to go back in time and bitch-slap the Nidaime Hokage for inventing it. Kurama was _tired_. 

"What do you mean… _this_ time?" Kushina asked. 

"Oh. Well, about five years ago," Minato said, "I showed Sakumo the first version of this jutsu, but once i caught it wouldn't go, so -" 

"So you-- what, you have had a kit before?!" Kushina bolted upright. "You're _kidding_ me." 

"You were in Konoha five years ago," Minato said, blinking guilelessly. "Surely you heard the controversy anyway?" 

"Whose controversy? I was busy levelling villages and getting my chuunin promotion you dickbutt, not out there screwing Hatake Sakumo -" 

"I thought you liked him-" 

"- in the middle of his magic mushroom fields!" 

"It wasn't in the middle of his field, it was in the forest -" 

"That is not the point!" 

She glared at him until he subsided. 

Five years ago, Minato was pregnant. For some reason, no one had noticed because as far as SHE knew, Minato didn't have a child running around. There weren't any unmothered children that she had heard of - 

…. 

Sakumo had a son. 

"... you _what_," Kushina said. 

"I thought you knew," Minato said.

* * *

"I made sure the birds didn't eat any of the mushrooms, Father," Kakashi said, when Sakumo came back into the house. 

"Good job," Sakumo said, fluffing his four year old son's hair, and didn't say anything about how birds didn't eat mushrooms. 

"And Pakkun chased away the deer and squirrels!" Kakashi held up his puppy to his father. 

The squat little puppy shook its tail and Sakumo obediently patted the dog's head too. "Good boy, Pakkun." 

The puppy woofed, and Kakashi tucked it under his arm like a big ball. "And now we have dinner, Father?" 

"Soon," Sakumo said. "We're going over to Minato-niisan's place for dinner, he said he had a jutsu to show me." 

Kakashi screwed his face up a little. "That's just a word for you and Minato-nii making kissy faces at each other." 

Sakumo choked a little. "A-ah." 

"But Kushina-neesan will be there right?" Kakashi said cheering up at the thought. "She has cool books. And she should like Pakkun and I can tell her about the mushrooms!" 

"... yes, sure," Sakumo said. 

Well. 

He'd tell Kakashi one day. 

But probably not today. Not when Minato probably had some new vaguely inadvisble jutsu he'd dug out of the Nidaime's archives that Sakumo had to talk him out of. 

END

**Author's Note:**

> 10 years later, guess who is bearing the Next Uzumaki? 
> 
> Yes the Hatake are mushroom farmers. This is rikacain's fault. She said, she REMINDED me about that whole thing where Japanese farmers really believe that lightning storms = better mushroom harvest…. And they actually did some literal real research by zapping the ground…
> 
> https://www.nationalgeographic.com/news/2010/4/100409-lightning-mushrooms-japan-harvest/
> 
> And since the Hatake are fucking farmers AND lightning affinity shinobi……… 
> 
> They're mushroom farmers. 
> 
> You're welcome everyone. 
> 
> Also yes, Kakashi and Naruto are now half-brothers. You're SUPER welcome.
> 
> * * *
> 
> OMAKE 
> 
> "Are we _really_ going to do this? This is a D-rank?" Naruto demanded. 
> 
> "Yup," Kakashi-sensei said, and sat back against the tree. "Watch out for the birds, those are vicious." 
> 
> Aaaaah one of the few joys of being a jounin-sensei and not having to go through the tedious channels of filing a D-rank mission with the mission room. He had a whole stack of actual blank D-rank scrolls that he could use for Training Purposes. 
> 
> And now he didn't have to harvest the mushrooms himself. 
> 
> Life was good.


End file.
